Click to: Browse other rants - Contribute

To link to this rant, copy this text:

Title: Historically-based Epic War Movie 3.7
Author: Anonymoose
Category: Satire
Subject: War Movies
Date: 12/23/2005

Hey, I have a great idea; why not take some great historical event that affected millions of people and probably involved five or six extremely marketable characters, and write a drama loosely based on their experiences? It could center around the events of a war, but more than that, it could take you deep into the troubled family life/romantic struggles/political agendas/corrupt government of the era. As an added plus, the carnage involved in the movie could be a special breed - unlike anything seen before! You could have a guy get drawn, quartered, and eviscerated onscreen! Or chariot wheels armed with razor blades could chop right through a guy's torso! Oh, and this cannon ball could blow right through a guy's face like it was no big whoop - that'd really shock people. Or... I know! You could involve the supernatural element of the culture in some way. All of the following must be included in the film:

- A historical framework of events and places
- A character who is fighting for freedom or some other high ideal, religious or political and always humane
- A damsel in distress - no movie can survive without a blubbering woman who needs care, support, and a good beating
- At least two battle scenes involving the greatest amount of carnage that the rating system can afford. All scenes must involve some key element of surprise attack, as well as some innovative method of combat (mooning the enemy to display distaste for his politics, lighting projectiles on fire)
- A face-to-face showdown between the protagonist and the antagonist, in which the antagonist wants power and control while the protagonist is fighting for a high ideal like freedom, and is further motivated by the murder of his son/wife/sibling/best friend/cat
- An incredibly motivational speech that guns up an entire fighting force before the battle that could mean the difference between freedom and a disappointing end to an already cliché plot
- One of the following: 1) the death of the main character at the end of the movie, only after he has killed his enemy/liberated his country/avenged someone special, 2) a happily-ever-after ending in which the main character rides off into the sunset with blubbering damsel or scoops up his brats into his arms and tells them about their newfound freedom

The great thing about this type of movie is that you can put it through a number of phases and changes, and people will think they're watching a new movie each time.

The sad thing is that you enjoyed every epic war movie you ever saw, and thought it was really original. Listed are some of your favorite cookie-cutter films:

King Arthur
Kingdom of Heaven*

*Those marked with an asterisk contain one or more symbolic images involving wheat fields.

Part of the Caffeine Nebula network; to browse other Caffeine Nebula sites, click here.